No self; no suffering – Buddha

Most are aware of what psychology calls narcissism. It is generally applied to an individual who is predominantly self-centered and selfish, often with an inflated sense of their own importance and specialness. They are focused on fulfilling their needs, pleasures, and happiness, mostly unconcerned with the needs of and often at the expense of others. They are also often very sensitive to any suspected criticism or disrespect from others while insensitive to how they affect others. The irony is that while their own happiness is their highest priority, these are not happy people. They may show buoyancy and cheerfulness as a way of bolstering others’ opinion of them and their own perceived self-image, but they have little experience of true joy and happiness, existing in a state of constant tension, holding together their false sense of self while being prone to anger, anxiety, depression, and addictions.

For this discussion, I am calling this sort of narcissism inflated narcissism – “inflated” indicating the nature of the self-image. While this is the standard view of narcissism, I am of the opinion that a characteristic of all neurotic and character disorder mental illness is an inappropriate level of self-absorption, and as this inappropriate self-absorption is key to the concept of narcissism, I also see a type of narcissism which can be called deflated narcissism as it relates to the self-image, applying to many who are experiencing neurotic symptomology such as debilitating anxiety, depression, obsessiveness, and anger. While such people are not generally associated with the term narcissism, I believe it helpful to see why the term applies. It has to do with their self-absorption. While it may be true that neurotic people can be very focused on pleasing and caring for other people, it often is not coming from a spontaneous and pure generosity and their own state of positive well-being; rather it is entangled with issues of approval – of others and themselves. More obviously than in the case of the inflated narcissist, the neurotic deflated narcissist is generally seen as, and considers themselves, not very happy in their life.

I have applied the term narcissism to the neurotic personality in consideration of where the term comes from – the Greek myth of Naricissus, a youth so self-enamored that he scorned those who tried to love him. This angered the goddess Nemesis, who led him to a pool where upon seeing his own reflection, he was so entranced by his image that he could not stop looking into the pool, and so could not take care of his life’s needs and died there. While this myth represents inflated narcissism, I believe it is important to realize that just as Narcissus could not stop looking at his beautiful image, the neurotic cannot stop obsessing on their self-perceived negative self-image. Their perception is distorted by their sense of insecurity, influencing most of their life-experience and relationships.

While living with an inflated narcissist can be frustrating, hurtful, and even infuriating, so too can it be with a deflated narcissist, a neurotic personality, for life becomes taken over, in either case, by their distorted self-image and projections. Living with a neurotic personality can be very challenging as their anxious, obsessive, angry, or depressed perceptions and energy negatively affects their relationships and the environment they share with others. It is also not uncommon for the neurotic personality to engage in unconsciously manipulative tactics through their symptoms to control and to coerce caring from others to shore up their negative self-worth. In both the inflated and deflated forms of narcissism, the person is lost in themselves and is pulling others into their distorted world. They live with their view of themselves and the world taking up most of their awareness. What is clear is that a person whose life-experience is dominated by focusing on their inflated or deflated self-image does not lead to happiness either for the person or those around them. Living obsessed with ourselves, which includes our circumstances in the world and relationships with others, does not bring peace and happiness, rather, the opposite.  

The next dimension of this discussion is in the realization that we live in a narcissistic society, that narcissism is what our media sells, what our society presents as normal, and what is to be aspired to – obsessions with one’s appearance, accomplishments, likeability, security, social position, image, etc. We are trained to be narcissistic, that is, fixated on ourselves and how we are doing by whatever criteria is important to us.

The experience of a quiet mind, meeting the circumstances of life without much ado, just responding as is appropriate to the uniqueness of the moment – which can include quiet moments which need nothing from us – is quite rare for the modern American. We are conditioned to be doing something, even if the doing is thinking about our situation, nearly all the time. We are restless and in need of stimulation, and a quiet mind resting in quiet moments is quite foreign to many. “Mental health” in our society is merely seen as these self-absorbed tendencies to inflated or deflated self-absorption being sufficiently limited to not become a significant problem. Self-absorption is the norm and Western psychology is designed to help people stay within the “normal” range of self-absorption and world-view distortion.

The genius of Buddhist psychology is in the realization that our emotional suffering and the suffering we cause others is caused by this inappropriate self-absorption and the stories centered on ourselves, positive or negative, that we obsessively run in our minds. These stories are what make up what is called the ego-self, and Buddhism warns that these ego-stories dominating our experience and distorting our contact with Iife-as-it-is, is the fundamental human dilemma. Buddhism calls this dukkha – the experience of our life, and life generally, as problematic and unsatisfactory.

With this realization, Buddhism seeks to turn our sense of identity around from being caught inside our incessant mind-talk centered on “me” to giving nearly exclusive attention to the world outside ourselves in direct and immediate interaction. Our mental activity – our thoughts and emotions – are no longer dominated by our self-image, but rather stimulated by the content of the moment in direct perception. The neurotic loop, obsessing about our greatness or deficiencies, is removed from our experience and we are no longer lost staring into the pool of self. For this, Buddhism recommends developing a sense of self which is called “no-self,” the “pool” of our experience being life with all its qualities. We are no longer separate from life, experiencing it distortedly, filtered through our inflated or deflated self-image. Buddhism tells us to take the plunge. Dive in. Be one with the pool. Swim around. Peacefully float.

Since this is not the usual American way of relating to self-in-the-world, Buddhism gives us a training program through meditation and mindfulness to increasingly see the ego-mind for what it is – a virtual reality – and to deepen our connection to the silent consciousness beneath the cacophony of the ego-mind. We then are directed to bring this silent and intelligent awareness increasingly into experiencing the world as-it-is, rather than as ego’s distorted projection. Direct action in life, action that very importantly includes no-action in response to life needing nothing from us, is the recommendation of Buddhism. No-self is the moment as-it-is, experienced and engaged directly, where our responses arise from the qualities of the moment. In this way of being-in-the-world we are the awareness, action, and union with the moment rather than the thinker about or the emotional reactor to a distorted experience of the moment as a projection of our story of self in time. Time is the realm of the ego, carrying our self-image out of the past and projecting it into the future. No-self exists only in the now, using ego-mind and its story of self in time to manage our social responsibilities. The story of “me” has become irrelevant to our sense of worth and mental stability.  

We discover through meditation and mindfulness that we have the faculties of mind and body to meet any challenge the world presents in the here-and-now – even as it relates to past or coming events. We learn we can be proficient in action of mind and body when self-absorption is out of the way. We also come to realize happiness, even joy, is not to be found in what we might pursue, but in the experience of the completeness of ourselves just as we are and the world as it is. Instead of life being an unending treadmill of thought, emotion, and activity, we discover the joy of silence, stillness, and completeness as the essence of who we are and as the fabric of life. All thought, emotion, and action is experienced as arising and returning into this silent stillness with efficiency. The underlying beauty and harmony of the world become evident, our constant, as we meet challenges and opportunities as they come – and go.

Buddha instructed, “Develop a mind that is vast like space, where experiences both pleasant and unpleasant can appear and disappear without conflict, struggle or harm. Rest in a mind like vast sky.”  

Then, do what is needed as it is needed – no unnecessary drama of thought, emotion, or action – the result is often beauty, grace, skill, compassion, and an appreciation for life-as-it-is that is most rare. It is the joy of no-self.